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Midland Red
Cherwell
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Thread starter
631 of 711  Thu 20th Apr 2017 7:58am  
Off-topic / chat  

Rob Orland
Historic Coventry
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632 of 711  Fri 21st Apr 2017 2:15pm  
Webmaster: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:1260

On 18th Apr 2017 8:03am, JohnnieWalker said: Memo to Rob - maybe we need a "Like" button? When LesMac and Kaga send in little gems like these recent ones, I'm forced to spend lots of time thinking of a worthy response, when really a "Like" would probably be acceptable!
Well, I've given it a go... let's see if it works! Wink Currently, it's a "one way" thing though - one click of the thumbs-up symbol adds a "like" - but it cannot be undone.
Have a laugh!
Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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633 of 711  Fri 21st Apr 2017 5:36pm  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1982

There was a camping shop behind the gas showrooms. A girl asked the salesman if they sold 'hammocks'. "Yes what exactly are you looking for?" "Well something big enough for me, but strong enough for two." Two mates unwrapped a bacon butty in the pub. "Do you like the end bits?" "Not particu'ly". So he cut it in half, and gave himself and his mate half each.
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Old Lincolnian
Coventry
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634 of 711  Fri 21st Apr 2017 10:39pm  
Member: Joined Sep 2012  Total posts:469

When I was a kid we had an allotment and I once asked the old man who had the next plot what the difference was between a weed and a flower. He said, if you pull a plant up and it grows back again then it's a weed, if it doesn't grow back it was a flower.
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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635 of 711  Sun 23rd Apr 2017 11:50am  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1982

'arry; 'as the gaffer been arstin' for me eh? Bill (foreman); No he hasn't. And what do you mean by coming to work at this time of day? 'arry (after a pause); 'ere, 'as the gaffer been arst fer me eh? Bill (sharply); No I tell you, he 'asn't 'arry; Did 'e say wha' for? Bill; You got no etiket, swearing before a lady 'arry; Well 'ow did I know she wanted to swear first Bill; Hear tell you be going to Australia to see your brother 'arry; Yeh, and I be feared of going Bill; It's a very long way to be going at your age 'arry; Yes I knows that, but I be goin' to break my journey at my married sister's Bill; At your sister's? 'arry; Yes, she's at Rugby True stories of people I knew.
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Roger Turner
Torksey
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636 of 711  Sun 23rd Apr 2017 12:22pm  
Member: Joined Aug 2014  Total posts:493

Kaga. You got a new system "click" from me, but I must tell you a loud guffaw to the middle one burst out of me. It must be the way you tell `em Thumbs up Thumbs up
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pixrobin
Canley
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637 of 711  Thu 27th Apr 2017 8:08am  
Member: Joined Mar 2014  Total posts:1004

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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Wimero
Nr Rugby
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638 of 711  Sun 30th Apr 2017 1:08pm  
Member: Joined Mar 2015  Total posts:146

A man walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He says to the barman, ''Blimey that must be one really clever dog''. ''Not really'' says the barman. ''Everytime he gets a good hand his little tail starts wagging''.
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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639 of 711  Wed 3rd May 2017 11:37am  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1982

The farm track led from the main road past the old farmhouse a mile away and then on another half-mile to a country lane. On the opposite side of the track to the farm was an old brick building that had been the old tool shed, next to that was the hen house, both had seen better days. It was a warm August morning - in the kitchen of the farm sat semi-retired farmer George Jones enjoying his mid-day glass of beer and the morning paper, his dog lay close by. Through the window sailed a happy little fly - the fly repeatedly crossed his brow and the paper, he brushed it aside. Mr Jones at last rose from his chair, crunched the newspaper and swiped. The beer glass crashed to the floor, the dog barked, his wife at the kitchen sink jumped, then rushed out of the door to find the mop, accompanied by the fly. The dog started to lick the beer, Jones swung his hob-nailed boot at the dog's rump, the dog yelped then ran out of the door, tripping up the wife who dropped the mop bucket on her husband's toes, the dog tore down the yard and across the farm track, just as Jones's son was about to pass on his tractor. The boy turned the wheel hard to the right, jumped off the back of the tractor to tend the dog, the tractor careered on, smashing like a battering ram into the tool shed, that collapsed in an ear-splitting roar. When the dust had cleared they saw the hen house had been flattened also. They gave no heed to the torn web of a spider with a flattened fly in the kitchen porch.
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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640 of 711  Wed 17th May 2017 2:41pm  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1982

In the Navigation pub, the men were discussing 'arry's odd sayings. 1st guy : 'arry and Bill had knocked stakes in for the foundations of the new school, they put a plank across the stakes and then the level. Bill : 'I think that's spot on 'arry; reckon so, and then some. 2nd guy : 'arry was in the churchyard, people were saying the new grave digger was not getting the graves level, the coffins were tilted. 'arry : If he does that with mine, he'll not get a b----- good word from me. 3rd guy : You know 'arry has had his allotment about three years, it had been neglected for years, all stinging nettles and bramble, but 'arry has made a good job of it. Approached by the parson who, looking over the gate one day, said, 'You and the good Lord have made a capital job of your garden this year, 'arry.' 'Ya-as' replied 'arry, 'You ought to a 'sin' it when 'e' ad it to' issalf.'
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pixrobin
Canley
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641 of 711  Sat 20th May 2017 9:16am  
Member: Joined Mar 2014  Total posts:1004

With the state of our roads I begin to wonder if the potholes are a motorcyclist's escape to 'middle-earth'
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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642 of 711  Tue 6th Jun 2017 3:11pm  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1982

A city guy, out in the countryside for the day thought he would have some fun taking the micky out of the country yokel City guy - So why do you walk about with your head bent looking at the ground, when you could stand straight like me? Yokel - See that field of corn there, well some have there heads bent because they're full of good corn, but the ones standing upright, they are empty headed.
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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643 of 711  Wed 7th Jun 2017 9:16am  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1982

Stranger to Farmer. "I see you have two dogs" Farmer. "Yes sir" Stranger. "What is the name of that one?" Farmer. "You know" "No I don't" "But I just told you. You know" "Oh" (perplexed) "Well what is the name of the other one?" "Why" "Why, because I want to know" "Well I just told you. Why" "But why 'Why'?" "Because that's his name"
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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Thread starter
644 of 711  Thu 22nd Jun 2017 11:50am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4825

Good on them! Lol Thumbs up
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Rob Orland
Historic Coventry
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645 of 711  Thu 22nd Jun 2017 7:50pm  
Webmaster: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:1260

On 24th May 2017 7:57pm, Derek Skelcher said (on another thread): I well remember Wheatcroft's Ironmongers as the place where my father embarrassed me by asking for a can of "Durex" White Paint!
Many years ago my nan embarrassed my mum on a bus with the same thing - she explained how she'd just bought herself a "tin of Durex"! The other passengers must've thought it was a rather strange choice of packaging! Lol
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