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Wimero
Nr Rugby
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646 of 672  Sun 30th Apr 2017 1:08pm  
Member: Joined Mar 2015  Total posts:148

A man walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He says to the barman, ''Blimey that must be one really clever dog''. ''Not really'' says the barman. ''Everytime he gets a good hand his little tail starts wagging''.
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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647 of 672  Wed 3rd May 2017 11:37am  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1680

The farm track led from the main road past the old farmhouse a mile away and then on another half-mile to a country lane. On the opposite side of the track to the farm was an old brick building that had been the old tool shed, next to that was the hen house, both had seen better days. It was a warm August morning - in the kitchen of the farm sat semi-retired farmer George Jones enjoying his mid-day glass of beer and the morning paper, his dog lay close by. Through the window sailed a happy little fly - the fly repeatedly crossed his brow and the paper, he brushed it aside. Mr Jones at last rose from his chair, crunched the newspaper and swiped. The beer glass crashed to the floor, the dog barked, his wife at the kitchen sink jumped, then rushed out of the door to find the mop, accompanied by the fly. The dog started to lick the beer, Jones swung his hob-nailed boot at the dog's rump, the dog yelped then ran out of the door, tripping up the wife who dropped the mop bucket on her husband's toes, the dog tore down the yard and across the farm track, just as Jones's son was about to pass on his tractor. The boy turned the wheel hard to the right, jumped off the back of the tractor to tend the dog, the tractor careered on, smashing like a battering ram into the tool shed, that collapsed in an ear-splitting roar. When the dust had cleared they saw the hen house had been flattened also. They gave no heed to the torn web of a spider with a flattened fly in the kitchen porch.
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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648 of 672  Wed 17th May 2017 2:41pm  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1680

In the Navigation pub, the men were discussing 'arry's odd sayings. 1st guy : 'arry and Bill had knocked stakes in for the foundations of the new school, they put a plank across the stakes and then the level. Bill : 'I think that's spot on 'arry; reckon so, and then some. 2nd guy : 'arry was in the churchyard, people were saying the new grave digger was not getting the graves level, the coffins were tilted. 'arry : If he does that with mine, he'll not get a b----- good word from me. 3rd guy : You know 'arry has had his allotment about three years, it had been neglected for years, all stinging nettles and bramble, but 'arry has made a good job of it. Approached by the parson who, looking over the gate one day, said, 'You and the good Lord have made a capital job of your garden this year, 'arry.' 'Ya-as' replied 'arry, 'You ought to a 'sin' it when 'e' ad it to' issalf.'
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pixrobin
Canley
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649 of 672  Sat 20th May 2017 9:16am  
Member: Joined Mar 2014  Total posts:992

With the state of our roads I begin to wonder if the potholes are a motorcyclist's escape to 'middle-earth'
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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650 of 672  Tue 6th Jun 2017 3:11pm  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1680

A city guy, out in the countryside for the day thought he would have some fun taking the micky out of the country yokel City guy - So why do you walk about with your head bent looking at the ground, when you could stand straight like me? Yokel - See that field of corn there, well some have there heads bent because they're full of good corn, but the ones standing upright, they are empty headed.
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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651 of 672  Wed 7th Jun 2017 9:16am  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1680

Stranger to Farmer. "I see you have two dogs" Farmer. "Yes sir" Stranger. "What is the name of that one?" Farmer. "You know" "No I don't" "But I just told you. You know" "Oh" (perplexed) "Well what is the name of the other one?" "Why" "Why, because I want to know" "Well I just told you. Why" "But why 'Why'?" "Because that's his name"
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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Thread starter
652 of 672  Thu 22nd Jun 2017 11:50am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4380

Good on them! Lol Thumbs up
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Rob Orland
Historic Coventry
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653 of 672  Thu 22nd Jun 2017 7:50pm  
Webmaster: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:936

On 24th May 2017 7:57pm, Derek Skelcher said (on another thread): I well remember Wheatcroft's Ironmongers as the place where my father embarrassed me by asking for a can of "Durex" White Paint!
Many years ago my nan embarrassed my mum on a bus with the same thing - she explained how she'd just bought herself a "tin of Durex"! The other passengers must've thought it was a rather strange choice of packaging! Lol
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covgirl
wiltshire
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654 of 672  Thu 22nd Jun 2017 9:22pm  
Member: Joined Jun 2015  Total posts:49

Blush What is it with parents and mispronunciation? My mother went into a shop and asked for "durex" batteries, when the rather flustered assistant asked her what they were for, she told him it was for her genital clock!! His face was a picture Blush
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Slim
Coventry a bit
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655 of 672  Fri 23rd Jun 2017 8:18am  
Member: Joined Mar 2013  Total posts:362

Quel embarassamondo! An aunt of mine always referred to cough mixture as "bronical mixture", and asked for that at the chemist's. My grandmother used to refer to liqueur chocolates as "them licker chocolates".
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pixrobin
Canley
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656 of 672  Fri 30th Jun 2017 10:12am  
Member: Joined Mar 2014  Total posts:992

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, went to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the children. He talked about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wanted the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there was an opportunity for questions. Little Sasha raised her hand and asked "I have two questions." "Go ahead", said Putin. "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin replied, "Good questions!" But just as he was about to answer, the bell rang, and the kids dispersed to lunch. When they returned from lunch, they sat back down and resumed for more questions. Another girl, Misha, put her hand up and asked, "I have four questions." "Go ahead", replied Putin. "My questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha?"
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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Thread starter
657 of 672  Fri 30th Jun 2017 2:02pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4380

Annie Who??? Oh my Big grin Roll eyes
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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Thread starter
658 of 672  Thu 6th Jul 2017 5:52pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4380

His own bus shelter! Big grin
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PhilipInCoventry
Holbrooks
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659 of 672  Fri 7th Jul 2017 8:28am  
Moderator: Joined Apr 2010  Total posts:3833

Hi all Wave Which came first, the chicken or the egg, or in the above bus stop saga, it was the bus stop, that has been in that location for over twenty years. Amusing though.
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Derrickarthur
Coventry
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660 of 672  Mon 10th Jul 2017 4:00pm  
Member: Joined Nov 2014  Total posts:132

Love comedian Bob Newhart's material such as Walter Raleigh inventing tobacco, and Abraham Lincoln sketch but I’m sure I remember a sketch involving a publisher who is on the phone to a new playwright named William Shakespeare who is trying to explain the plots to new plays, Othello & A Midsummer Night Dream without much success. I cannot find reference to this sketch anywhere online and am beginning to think I imagined it. Or did it cause some PC issues and has been buried? Can anyone shed any light on this please.

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