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pixrobin
Canley
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706 of 711  Sat 10th Mar 2018 12:09pm  
Member: Joined Mar 2014  Total posts:1025

Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman was dining privately with our PM in a posh London restaurant when he realised he had no cash on him to tip the waiters. With a charming smile he leaned over and asked if the PM had any. "Oh yes", said the PM and gave him £100-million from the overseas aid budget. Roll eyes
Non-Coventry - Have a laugh!
Midland Red
Cherwell
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707 of 711  Mon 12th Mar 2018 7:57am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4908

Posted as a tribute to Ken Dodd (courtesy 'Daily Mail') - 'I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.' - 'Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.' - 'It's ten years since I went out of my mind. I'd never go back.' - 'The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.' - 'You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox' - when he was still going strong at a show as it approached midnight. - 'I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.' - 'Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.' - 'It's a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed' - Addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre. - 'The French didn't object to British beef in 1940.' - 'Honolulu: it's got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.' - 'Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese', on approaching his 80th birthday. - 'Doctor, 'How old are you?' 'I'm approaching 50.' 'From which direction?'' - 'How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.' - 'How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It's never been tried.' - 'Fifty-five years in show business, ladies and gentlemen. That's a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh.' - 'Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'.' - 'My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'.' - 'Love makes the world go round, or it does if you are a man over 50.' - 'My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'.' - 'So this fellow tells the doctor, 'Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy.' The doctor asks, 'What do you take?' 'Pepper'.' - 'I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girl friends suffered from asthma.' - 'An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in.' - 'The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.' He also even came up with a few quips regarding his famous tax fraud trial... - 'They stole that idea from me' - Referring to the Inland Revenue and self-assessment of income tax. - 'I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.' - 'In the 1800s, one of the MPs in London decided to introduce tax. In those days it was 2p in the pound. I thought it still was.' - 'I thought it would be a good idea to go into politics. Maybe I am a little old. but you know, I'd love to be Chancellor of the Exchequer. That way I'll be united with my money.' - 'Good evening, my name is Kenneth Arthur Dodd, singer photographic playboy and failed accountant.' When asked by the trial judge what it felt like to have a hundred thousand pounds stashed in a suitcase in his attic, Dodd replied: 'The notes are very light my lord.'
Non-Coventry - Have a laugh!
Dreamtime
Perth Western Australia
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708 of 711  Mon 12th Mar 2018 12:14pm  
Member: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:3030

Lol You have hit the jackpot with those MR, thanks. Lol Lol Lol Lol Thumbs up Edited by member, 13th Mar 2018 3:11 am
Non-Coventry - Have a laugh!
Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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709 of 711  Thu 15th Mar 2018 2:59pm  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:2077

The huge barn that formed the far end of the square of the farm and buildings had a loft above stables, a wooden ladder going up the inside to where the bags of animal feed stuff were kept. Sometimes we put the cat up there to keep the mice down, and we had a small tin bath to carry feed stuff. About two hundred yards behind the barn they stuck a pom-pom gun. One evening just as we finished milking, the sirens started, the guns opened up, startling everyone. The bath had been left at the top of the loft stairs. The cat jumped in the bath, it upended, sliding down the stairs with the scared cat in it, and an almighty clatter. This caused the horses to break out the door, knocking over the farmer and two buckets of milk. The geese in the yard ran, flew in a loud hissing and squawking after the horses, this upset a pony and trap outside that bolted down the field. Its wheels caught a chicken run and smashed it, the fowl ran squawking, the dogs joining in. The pigs were squealing, and the farmers wife had dropped a bowl of eggs that she was about to hand to the visitor with the pony and trap.
Non-Coventry - Have a laugh!
Midland Red
Cherwell
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710 of 711  Thu 22nd Mar 2018 1:01pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4908

Non-Coventry - Have a laugh!
Helen F
Warrington
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711 of 711  Thu 22nd Mar 2018 2:09pm  
Member: Joined Mar 2013  Total posts:982

Kaga, it sounds like the inspiration for the game Mouse Trap. MR, Lol in some ways the advice was probably more useful than anything more relevant to the issue. I was redecorating my aunt's house after it had been empty for four months and was standing by the kitchen sink when the base plinth clattered down onto my toes. I leapt back with a small pain and a big fear that some rodent had forced the thing off its clip. Looking down, I saw not a mouse but instead a thin pallid tentacle emerging from the dark. I leapt back even further and my heart thumped so loudly it would have been audible. From further back I couldn't see the end of the thing. Was it a snake? Was it an alien finger? Whatever it was, it looked terrifying and slightly transparent. After about a minute I realised that it wasn't moving and bravely grabbed it with a pair of salad tongues. After pulling out about a metre at the end was a tiny, shrunken spud. The poor thing had been striving for the light and by sheer coincidence poked the loose plinth over, just as I stood nearby. I'm not proud that one of my greatest moments of fear was caused by a mere potato.
Non-Coventry - Have a laugh!

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