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Midland Red
Cherwell
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706 of 745  Tue 23rd Jan 2018 5:49pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:5121

I saw my mate Dave this morning. He's only got one arm bless him. I shouted "Where you off to Dave?" He said "I'm going to change a light bulb." I laughed my head off and said "That's going to be a bit awkward, isn't it?" "Not really" he said. "I've still got the receipt."
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scrutiny
coventry
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707 of 745  Wed 21st Feb 2018 10:27am  
Member: Joined Feb 2010  Total posts:644

Try this. After our first one was born there was no peace in the bedroom for the baby crying, the cot being next to the bed. After suffering hardly any sleep for a week one night I suddenly snapped. I leapt out of bed and on the way round to the cot I threw the bedroom window open, I grabbed it from the cot, went back and hurled it through the window saying "That is the end of that, we are not having any more". At which point the wife, screaming, suddenly realised that our baby was still crying in his cot. Poor soul thought I had thrown our little un out but it was only the dummy. It took a few nights but no more dummies came into our house (well, maybe one, ME) Big grin
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Janey
Keresley
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708 of 745  Thu 22nd Feb 2018 1:15pm  
Member: Joined Aug 2014  Total posts:155

Last week my husband and I went to see Jim Davidson at Bedworth Civic Hall. The last time we actually went to one of his performances was many many years ago when he would have been in his twenties. At that time he was hilariously funny and had my young sons in stitches. What a different story today. I don’t consider myself a prude, but I almost felt embarrassed by some of his jokes. There were some funny moments, but on the whole his jokes were about sex in very intimate detail, and every other word seemed to be the F word. Most of the audience were elderly, and I wonder if they felt the same as I did. No wonder I preferred the Two Ronnies; there were no smutty jokes and only the slightest innuendo. What has happened to proper comedy?
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PhilipInCoventry
Holbrooks
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709 of 745  Thu 22nd Feb 2018 4:25pm  
Moderator: Joined Apr 2010  Total posts:4112

Hello Janey, I was with friends yesterday in the Tea & Chat tea room, Nuneaton, where we overheard a conversation amounting to the same state of affairs regards the same performance. Thank you so much for sharing.
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Slim
Another Coventry kid
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710 of 745  Fri 23rd Feb 2018 9:05am  
Member: Joined Mar 2013  Total posts:520

Agreed, Janey. A few years ago we went to a late night performance at the Comedy Store in London, the training ground for all comedians, albeit a baptism of fire with hecklers, some of whom were the worse for alcohol. Andy Parsons and Jimmy Carr were on - they were funny. That was before they became well-known on TV. A Canadian bloke then came on stage, a pint of beer in one hand, and a fag in the other. He seemed to think that using the f word every 3 or 4 words was funny. He wasn't remotely funny, and I hadn't got clue what he was on about. Boring to be precise. Someone heckled Jimmy Carr, and Carr really put him down in the most offensive way, using language which cannot be repeated here. If I'd used the heckle put down he used, when I was on stage, I would have expected to have had the bloke punch my face out in the car park!
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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711 of 745  Fri 23rd Feb 2018 10:18am  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:2532

Janey, my wife and I went to a show in Brighton many years ago - the comedian was Jim Davidson, his jokes were downright disgusting and filthy. This was a dance-cum-live comedian interval, worse than barrack room jokes - we walked out long before the end.
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scrutiny
coventry
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712 of 745  Fri 23rd Feb 2018 3:00pm  
Member: Joined Feb 2010  Total posts:644

Quite a lot of so-called comedians resort to foul language. I'm old fashioned I know, a good true comedian does not have to. Ken Dodd springs to mind. I could always take him or leave him in the past, however, last year I booked a couple of seats at the theatre in Skegness and stayed the night b&b just down the road. Just as well I did. The show started at 7.30 due to finish at 10pm. We were chucked out at just turned midnight and I enjoyed every minute of it. I will certainly book again before he passes on. At 90 he's a wonder, all jokes off cuff and clean. Some jokes you know the meaning of but no swearing. Now that IS a comedian. Wave
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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713 of 745  Fri 23rd Feb 2018 4:50pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:5121

Hear hear! Cheers Thumbs up From the Comedy Carpet, Blackpool (courtesy Sir Kenneth Arthur Dodd)
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Roger Turner
Torksey
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714 of 745  Fri 23rd Feb 2018 10:23pm  
Member: Joined Aug 2014  Total posts:568

Could Ken Dodd be getting more merciful as he gets older? Chucked out at midnight? We lived at one time close to Skeggy and went to a Doddy performance about 12/13 years ago, he informed us he had locked the doors and I think it was nearer 1am when we "escaped".
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Billybobs
South Warwickshire
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715 of 745  Fri 23rd Feb 2018 10:29pm  
Member: Joined Mar 2013  Total posts:30

On 23rd Feb 2018 10:18am, Kaga simpson said: Janey, my wife and I went to a show in Brighton many years ago - the comedian was Jim Davidson, his jokes were downright disgusting and filthy. This was a dance-cum-live comedian interval, worse than barrack room jokes - we walked out long before the end.
Kaga, your recollection brought back memories of a story my parents would often tell. They too saw Davidson on the south coast, possibly at Brighton also (perhaps the same year), they were staying with friends at the same hotel as the 'comedian' and his entourage. After the show, they went to the hotel bar, when later Davidson arrived and seeing the group asked if they had been to the show and did they enjoy. Like yourselves my parents and their friends were disgusted and told him so, Davidson's response allegedly consisted of a series of expletives ... says it all!!
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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716 of 745  Mon 26th Feb 2018 7:01pm  
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Good news today from Knotty Ash is that Sir Kenneth Arthur Dodd is being released from hospital tomorrow after spending more than six weeks there suffering from a serious chest infection Word is that he has made good progress but there is still a long haul ahead to full recovery
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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717 of 745  Wed 7th Mar 2018 1:45pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:5121

What? Big grin
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pixrobin
Canley
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718 of 745  Sat 10th Mar 2018 11:42am  
Member: Joined Mar 2014  Total posts:1068

It was so cold in London recently that politicians put their hands in their own pockets Thumbs up
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pixrobin
Canley
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719 of 745  Sat 10th Mar 2018 12:09pm  
Member: Joined Mar 2014  Total posts:1068

Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman was dining privately with our PM in a posh London restaurant when he realised he had no cash on him to tip the waiters. With a charming smile he leaned over and asked if the PM had any. "Oh yes", said the PM and gave him £100-million from the overseas aid budget. Roll eyes
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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720 of 745  Mon 12th Mar 2018 7:57am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:5121

Posted as a tribute to Ken Dodd (courtesy 'Daily Mail') - 'I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.' - 'Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.' - 'It's ten years since I went out of my mind. I'd never go back.' - 'The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.' - 'You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox' - when he was still going strong at a show as it approached midnight. - 'I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.' - 'Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.' - 'It's a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed' - Addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre. - 'The French didn't object to British beef in 1940.' - 'Honolulu: it's got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.' - 'Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese', on approaching his 80th birthday. - 'Doctor, 'How old are you?' 'I'm approaching 50.' 'From which direction?'' - 'How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.' - 'How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It's never been tried.' - 'Fifty-five years in show business, ladies and gentlemen. That's a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh.' - 'Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'.' - 'My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'.' - 'Love makes the world go round, or it does if you are a man over 50.' - 'My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'.' - 'So this fellow tells the doctor, 'Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy.' The doctor asks, 'What do you take?' 'Pepper'.' - 'I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girl friends suffered from asthma.' - 'An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in.' - 'The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.' He also even came up with a few quips regarding his famous tax fraud trial... - 'They stole that idea from me' - Referring to the Inland Revenue and self-assessment of income tax. - 'I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.' - 'In the 1800s, one of the MPs in London decided to introduce tax. In those days it was 2p in the pound. I thought it still was.' - 'I thought it would be a good idea to go into politics. Maybe I am a little old. but you know, I'd love to be Chancellor of the Exchequer. That way I'll be united with my money.' - 'Good evening, my name is Kenneth Arthur Dodd, singer photographic playboy and failed accountant.' When asked by the trial judge what it felt like to have a hundred thousand pounds stashed in a suitcase in his attic, Dodd replied: 'The notes are very light my lord.'
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