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Greg
Coventry
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676 of 711  Sat 18th Nov 2017 7:38pm  
Member: Joined Apr 2011  Total posts:248

The local priest was desperate to have a Sunday off to go and play golf. He kept asking the Bishop who kept telling him he must put his parishioners first and denied him permission. Eventually, the priest rang a `relief` priest and asked him to stand in for him, the following Sunday, as he was very ill and so it came to pass. On the Sunday, the priest loaded up his golf clubs and headed for the course. First tee he hits the ball really high and long and it bounces off a passing eagle, drops onto a passing rabbit and it bounced onto the green, ricocheted off a snake and went in for a hole in one. This continued for the next 17 holes and he went off in high spirits. In the meantime this was all being watched from above by God and St. Peter. St. Peter was incensed by it all and said to God `what are you going to do about it`. The reply was `nothing, Peter, after all who can he tell?` Edited by member, 18th Nov 2017 7:39 pm
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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Thread starter
677 of 711  Sun 19th Nov 2017 8:40am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4879

A policeman stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat. "What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?" he exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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Thread starter
678 of 711  Mon 20th Nov 2017 4:42pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4879

An elderly gentleman walks into an up-market cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-eighties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave. He presents a very well looked after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid-seventies). The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits beside her. He orders a drink. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Annewiggy
Tamworth
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679 of 711  Mon 11th Dec 2017 8:54am  
Member: Joined Jan 2013  Total posts:1172

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Midland Red
Cherwell
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Thread starter
680 of 711  Mon 18th Dec 2017 8:55am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4879

"We have shown in the first two Tests that we can outperform Australia." "The belief is there. We're still massively in this series." J. Root, 6 Dec 2017 Roll eyes
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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681 of 711  Tue 19th Dec 2017 10:18am  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:2040

"Perth-orated"
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Dreamtime
Perth Western Australia
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682 of 711  Tue 19th Dec 2017 1:53pm  
Member: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:3007

Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become too difficult. All his grandchildren had everything they needed so he decided to send them each a cheque. On each card he wrote: Happy Christmas, Grandpa PS. Buy your own presents. Conclusion: Now while Grandpa enjoyed the family festivities, he thought his grandchildren were slightly distant from him, it preyed on his mind into the New Year. Then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines he found a little pile of cheques for his grandchildren. He had completely forgotten to put them in with the cards.
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Slopeman44
Coventry, The Dovecotes
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683 of 711  Tue 19th Dec 2017 4:35pm  
Member: Joined Dec 2017  Total posts:8

An old Eli and Enoch "Brummie" joke Eli and Enoch worked next to each other in the old days when machinery was driven by belts looped over revolving shafts in the roof. One day Eli was a bit careless and his coat sleeve caught in the belt of his machine and whipped him up and over the shaft in the roof. He did another 2 loops before his sleeve ripped and he ended up in a crumpled heap next to Enoch. Bending down, cradling his mate's head, Enoch pleaded "Aylie, Aylie, spake t'me, spake t'me!" Eli slowly opened his eyes and said "Yo must be jokin', I passed you three times and you didn't spake t'me!"
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Derrickarthur
Coventry
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684 of 711  Tue 19th Dec 2017 6:59pm  
Member: Joined Nov 2014  Total posts:141

A posh guy’s car broke down in Birmingham. He tried to sort the problem and repair it when he noticed a local kid watching him. The local kid asked (in a broad Brummie accent) "Got a problem Mister?" The guy asked if he lived near and the boy said “Yes." The guy said “Go home and ask your father if he has pliers." 30 minutes later the boy returned and said (boom boom) "Dad ain’t got no pliers but will Woodbines be ok?"
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Slim
Another Coventry kid
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685 of 711  Wed 20th Dec 2017 8:31am  
Member: Joined Mar 2013  Total posts:402

Overheard in a café in Brum: "Ello, Bill, ow's yer missus?" "Ooerr, 'er's been proper pewerly, 'er as. We're talkin' horse piddle." "Horse piddle?" "Ah, 'er's got to go intu horse piddle, furrun oper-rye-shun!"
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Roger Turner
Torksey
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686 of 711  Thu 21st Dec 2017 7:23pm  
Member: Joined Aug 2014  Total posts:509

Watching some crazy judge on TV this afternoon allocating money between defendant and claimant, reminded me of a saying "RINDER unto Caesar what is due to Caesar" Cheers (apologies to the original author)
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Slopeman44
Coventry, The Dovecotes
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687 of 711  Thu 21st Dec 2017 7:26pm  
Member: Joined Dec 2017  Total posts:8

Before discovering Pennsylvania, William Penn lived in a village in the West Country through which ran a main staging route. His two aunts owned a bakery that was very popular with the locals, especially their range of meat pies. However, the aunts were struggling to make ends meet and were discussing this with William one day. "There's 4 coaches a day go through here" said Mary "and nary a one stops. Just think how better off we'd be if only 2 of the passengers in each coach were to buy even a beef pasty or two". William thought about it and came up with the idea of a big board nailed to posts at either end of the village to catch the eye of the people on board the outward and return coaches. Brightly lettered on each board he had written all of the different pies baked daily, including small, medium and large, with the appropriate price next to each item - with, in big letters "discounts for quantities!". Such was the success of this advertising that, before they knew it, the two old ladies were working all hours to keep up with demand and the coach company had to run an extra coach each day for people who had heard of the wonderful food and wanted to view the signs and make up their minds what to order. In fact - wait for it . . . people were coming from miles around to see the "Pie-rates of Penn's Aunts"
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Roger Turner
Torksey
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688 of 711  Thu 21st Dec 2017 7:36pm  
Member: Joined Aug 2014  Total posts:509

Wasn`t it really the stuff they put in the pies that made them so popular? After all they did it to make "ends meat" - that's some way to use up all the scraps Thumbs up
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Dreamtime
Perth Western Australia
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689 of 711  Fri 22nd Dec 2017 2:38am  
Member: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:3007

Aww! All you happy comedians on the Forum and not one joke about Santa yet.
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Slim
Another Coventry kid
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690 of 711  Fri 22nd Dec 2017 8:59am  
Member: Joined Mar 2013  Total posts:402

A jobbing painter and decorator got the contract to paint the outside of a garden shed which belonged to the village church. He thought he'd be clever and save money by thinning the paint down with turps, but he overdid it. The paint was so weak that a few days later, when it rained, all the paint ran in streaks and looked blooming awful. The vicar was not pleased and called the man back. He told him in no uncertain terms: "Re-paint! Re-paint! And don't thin again."
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