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Midland Red
Cherwell
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676 of 705  Thu 16th Nov 2017 8:46am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4662

A French policeman stops an Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt whiskeys thereafter. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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677 of 705  Fri 17th Nov 2017 8:01am  
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Les asked his wife, if he died would she remarry? His wife thought about it and said "Well I suppose so". "And would you and him sleep in our bed?" His wife thought again and said "Well it makes sense" Les pressed on and asked "Would you make love to him?" "Of course" replied his wife, "as he would be my husband then". "How about my golf clubs?" asked Les, "Would you give those to him?" His wife shook her head and said "There wouldn't be any point, he's left handed".
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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678 of 705  Sat 18th Nov 2017 8:25am  
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God Loves Drunk People Too A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3:00 in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," the drunk replied.
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Dreamtime
Perth Western Australia
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679 of 705  Sat 18th Nov 2017 2:57pm  
Member: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:2919

Another classic MR, thanks. I am going to start writing all these down. Lol Big grin
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Greg
Coventry
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680 of 705  Sat 18th Nov 2017 7:38pm  
Member: Joined Apr 2011  Total posts:237

The local priest was desperate to have a Sunday off to go and play golf. He kept asking the Bishop who kept telling him he must put his parishioners first and denied him permission. Eventually, the priest rang a `relief` priest and asked him to stand in for him, the following Sunday, as he was very ill and so it came to pass. On the Sunday, the priest loaded up his golf clubs and headed for the course. First tee he hits the ball really high and long and it bounces off a passing eagle, drops onto a passing rabbit and it bounced onto the green, ricocheted off a snake and went in for a hole in one. This continued for the next 17 holes and he went off in high spirits. In the meantime this was all being watched from above by God and St. Peter. St. Peter was incensed by it all and said to God `what are you going to do about it`. The reply was `nothing, Peter, after all who can he tell?` Edited by member, 18th Nov 2017 7:39 pm
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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681 of 705  Sun 19th Nov 2017 8:40am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4662

A policeman stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat. "What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?" he exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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682 of 705  Mon 20th Nov 2017 4:42pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4662

An elderly gentleman walks into an up-market cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-eighties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave. He presents a very well looked after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid-seventies). The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits beside her. He orders a drink. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Annewiggy
Tamworth
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683 of 705  Mon 11th Dec 2017 8:54am  
Member: Joined Jan 2013  Total posts:1081

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Midland Red
Cherwell
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684 of 705  Mon 18th Dec 2017 8:55am  
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"We have shown in the first two Tests that we can outperform Australia." "The belief is there. We're still massively in this series." J. Root, 6 Dec 2017 Roll eyes
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Kaga simpson
Peacehaven, East Sussex
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685 of 705  Tue 19th Dec 2017 10:18am  
Member: Joined Sep 2014  Total posts:1900

"Perth-orated"
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Dreamtime
Perth Western Australia
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686 of 705  Tue 19th Dec 2017 1:53pm  
Member: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:2919

Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become too difficult. All his grandchildren had everything they needed so he decided to send them each a cheque. On each card he wrote: Happy Christmas, Grandpa PS. Buy your own presents. Conclusion: Now while Grandpa enjoyed the family festivities, he thought his grandchildren were slightly distant from him, it preyed on his mind into the New Year. Then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines he found a little pile of cheques for his grandchildren. He had completely forgotten to put them in with the cards.
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Slopeman44
Coventry, The Dovecotes
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687 of 705  Tue 19th Dec 2017 4:35pm  
Member: Joined Dec 2017  Total posts:8

An old Eli and Enoch "Brummie" joke Eli and Enoch worked next to each other in the old days when machinery was driven by belts looped over revolving shafts in the roof. One day Eli was a bit careless and his coat sleeve caught in the belt of his machine and whipped him up and over the shaft in the roof. He did another 2 loops before his sleeve ripped and he ended up in a crumpled heap next to Enoch. Bending down, cradling his mate's head, Enoch pleaded "Aylie, Aylie, spake t'me, spake t'me!" Eli slowly opened his eyes and said "Yo must be jokin', I passed you three times and you didn't spake t'me!"
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Derrickarthur
Coventry
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688 of 705  Tue 19th Dec 2017 6:59pm  
Member: Joined Nov 2014  Total posts:137

A posh guy’s car broke down in Birmingham. He tried to sort the problem and repair it when he noticed a local kid watching him. The local kid asked (in a broad Brummie accent) "Got a problem Mister?" The guy asked if he lived near and the boy said “Yes." The guy said “Go home and ask your father if he has pliers." 30 minutes later the boy returned and said (boom boom) "Dad ain’t got no pliers but will Woodbines be ok?"
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Slim
Another Coventry kid
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689 of 705  Wed 20th Dec 2017 8:31am  
Member: Joined Mar 2013  Total posts:392

Overheard in a café in Brum: "Ello, Bill, ow's yer missus?" "Ooerr, 'er's been proper pewerly, 'er as. We're talkin' horse piddle." "Horse piddle?" "Ah, 'er's got to go intu horse piddle, furrun oper-rye-shun!"
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Roger Turner
Torksey
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690 of 705  Thu 21st Dec 2017 7:23pm  
Member: Joined Aug 2014  Total posts:488

Watching some crazy judge on TV this afternoon allocating money between defendant and claimant, reminded me of a saying "RINDER unto Caesar what is due to Caesar" Cheers (apologies to the original author)
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