Topic categories:

Have a laugh!

You need to be signed in to respond to this topic

First pagePrevious page

Displaying 691 to 705 of 745 posts

Page 47 of 50

1 2 3 4 5 .... 10 .... 15 .... 20 .... 25 .... 30 .... 35 .... 40 .... 45 46 47 48 49 50
Next pageLast page
745 posts:
Order:    

Slopeman44
Coventry, The Dovecotes
All posts by this member
691 of 745  Thu 21st Dec 2017 7:26pm  
Member: Joined Dec 2017  Total posts:8

Before discovering Pennsylvania, William Penn lived in a village in the West Country through which ran a main staging route. His two aunts owned a bakery that was very popular with the locals, especially their range of meat pies. However, the aunts were struggling to make ends meet and were discussing this with William one day. "There's 4 coaches a day go through here" said Mary "and nary a one stops. Just think how better off we'd be if only 2 of the passengers in each coach were to buy even a beef pasty or two". William thought about it and came up with the idea of a big board nailed to posts at either end of the village to catch the eye of the people on board the outward and return coaches. Brightly lettered on each board he had written all of the different pies baked daily, including small, medium and large, with the appropriate price next to each item - with, in big letters "discounts for quantities!". Such was the success of this advertising that, before they knew it, the two old ladies were working all hours to keep up with demand and the coach company had to run an extra coach each day for people who had heard of the wonderful food and wanted to view the signs and make up their minds what to order. In fact - wait for it . . . people were coming from miles around to see the "Pie-rates of Penn's Aunts"
Have a laugh!
Roger Turner
Torksey
All posts by this member
692 of 745  Thu 21st Dec 2017 7:36pm  
Member: Joined Aug 2014  Total posts:568

Wasn`t it really the stuff they put in the pies that made them so popular? After all they did it to make "ends meat" - that's some way to use up all the scraps Thumbs up
Have a laugh!
Dreamtime
Perth Western Australia
All posts by this member
693 of 745  Fri 22nd Dec 2017 2:38am  
Member: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:3212

Aww! All you happy comedians on the Forum and not one joke about Santa yet.
Have a laugh!
Slim
Another Coventry kid
All posts by this member
694 of 745  Fri 22nd Dec 2017 8:59am  
Member: Joined Mar 2013  Total posts:520

A jobbing painter and decorator got the contract to paint the outside of a garden shed which belonged to the village church. He thought he'd be clever and save money by thinning the paint down with turps, but he overdid it. The paint was so weak that a few days later, when it rained, all the paint ran in streaks and looked blooming awful. The vicar was not pleased and called the man back. He told him in no uncertain terms: "Re-paint! Re-paint! And don't thin again."
Have a laugh!
Dreamtime
Perth Western Australia
All posts by this member
695 of 745  Fri 22nd Dec 2017 2:05pm  
Member: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:3212

Very funny Thlim!! Big grin
Have a laugh!
Slopeman44
Coventry, The Dovecotes
All posts by this member
696 of 745  Fri 22nd Dec 2017 7:08pm  
Member: Joined Dec 2017  Total posts:8

Can't think of a Santa joke but have got another groaner! A Zulu chief lived with his tribe in a massive kraal on a slope overlooking a beautiful valley. His nearest neighbour was the chief of another tribe, over 4 miles away on the other side of the valley, just out of sight. The chief had everything he needed, a massive thatched residence with an open plan frontage where he would sit surveying his land, many wives and many young sons, food and drink a-plenty but there was one thing he coveted. The chief across the valley mirrored his lifestyle but when HE sat surveying his land, it was on a custom made massive seat with ivory tusks for armrests and padded leopard skin pillows. The chief had a plan to steal this object of desire and on the day of the annual antelope hunt, when all the Zulu villages took to the plains, he kept a picked band of warriors behind and set off for the nearly deserted village of his rival where, avoiding the meagre guards, his band of warriors lifted the magnificent seat and carried it back to his house. Fearing that the other chief would immediately suspect him, he ordered his warriors to hide the throne in the loft space above where he sat daily, until the heat died down. Sure enough, the next day he spotted the other chief approaching across the valley, accompanied by about a thousand fully armed men. He summoned his own men, again about a thousand, and lined them up outside his house before settling down in his own chair to await the chief. As usual with Zulus, when the rival chief entered the kraal, he lined up his men and commanded them to chant out their challenge. A thousand voices rang out, the warriors rattled their shields with their spears and in unison stamped their feet, causing the very ground to shake. The thieving chief, not to be outdone, commanded his men to reply, but to shout louder and really stamp their feet, in fact to do it double time. The noise and vibration from this display was so bad that the ground trembled so much causing the stolen seat to fall from its hiding place, dropping on the chief and killing him stone dead. The moral - wait for it . . . people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!
Have a laugh!
Earlsdon Kid
Argyll & Bute, Scotland
All posts by this member
697 of 745  Sat 23rd Dec 2017 12:49pm  
Member: Joined Apr 2017  Total posts:30

Spotted in the Argyll hills, one of Santa's helpers training Rudolph for the big night!
Have a laugh!
Slopeman44
Coventry, The Dovecotes
All posts by this member
698 of 745  Sat 23rd Dec 2017 7:18pm  
Member: Joined Dec 2017  Total posts:8

Something about Father Christmas - as requested Dreamtime ... don't blame me! Who is Father Christmas's favourite singer? ....... Elves Presley What is his favourite pop group? ....... Slade Who is his favourite actor? ....... Yul Brynner His favourite holiday resort is the capital of Tenerife, how does he get there? ....... Santa Cruz How did he describe a date with Marilyn Monroe? ....... "I pulled a cracker!" When they want to show off their arsenal of weapons, what do the Russians use to pull a big ICBM rocket into Red Square? ....... Missile-tow! What did Prince Charles reply when Camilla asked him what he'd like to do for Christmas? ....... "Reign dear!" Finally, a modification to an old chestnut - what can go up a chimney down but not down a chimney up? ....... Santa's umbrella Merry Christmas!
Have a laugh!
Midland Red
Cherwell
All posts by this member
Thread starter
699 of 745  Sat 23rd Dec 2017 8:52pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:5121

Never Assume ..... His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'
Have a laugh!
Midland Red
Cherwell
All posts by this member
Thread starter
700 of 745  Sun 24th Dec 2017 9:34am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:5121

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one engineer , "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her handbag, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Have a laugh!
Midland Red
Cherwell
All posts by this member
Thread starter
701 of 745  Thu 28th Dec 2017 10:00am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:5121

Have a laugh!
Dreamtime
Perth Western Australia
All posts by this member
702 of 745  Thu 28th Dec 2017 10:47am  
Member: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:3212

Have a laugh!
Roger Turner
Torksey
All posts by this member
703 of 745  Sat 30th Dec 2017 11:08am  
Member: Joined Aug 2014  Total posts:568

Just heard on the radio (Steam) "We always exchange presents at Christmas I exchange hers and she exchanges mine" Cheers
Have a laugh!
Midland Red
Cherwell
All posts by this member
Thread starter
704 of 745  Sun 7th Jan 2018 10:30pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:5121

Have a laugh!
Slopeman44
Coventry, The Dovecotes
All posts by this member
705 of 745  Mon 8th Jan 2018 12:35pm  
Member: Joined Dec 2017  Total posts:8

Brilliant! A guy was sitting in his local with a careworn expression on his face when his three mates walked in. "What's up Dave?" asked Pete. "Well lads, you know my wife went into hospital early to have our first baby, all went well but unfortunately the little lad has been born with tiny tiny ears and my wife is heartbroken that he'll be teased when he's growing up. Nothing I can say will cheer her up, I just don't know what to do" "Tell you what" said Joe "why don't the three of us pay a visit and have a go at making her feel better, could be easier coming from your mates" Dave thought about it and finally said "OK, but whatever you do don't mention his ears" Next day Joe called in and sat down on the bed where Dave's wife sat holding the baby. "Blimey" said Joe "look at the legs on him, if he doesn't turn out to be a champion runner I'll be amazed!" After a few more words Joe made his excuses and left, convinced he'd done a good job. An hour later Pete arrived and proceeded to praise the baby, finally saying that with such sturdy arms and legs, he wouldn't be surprised to see the lad turn out to be a champion swimmer. Full of confidence at a job well done, he went on his way. Larry arrived just before last visitors call and sat down, gazing in awe at the baby. "Look at his eyes" he said "crystal blue and so piercing. He's gonna have 20/20 vision, make no mistake, a champion rifle shot if ever there was one." Smugly he got up to leave and, as he reached the door he turned and said "Mind you, it's a good job 'cos he'll never be able to wear glasses!"
Have a laugh!

You need to be signed in to respond to this topic

First pagePrevious page

Displaying 691 to 705 of 745 posts

Page 47 of 50

1 2 3 4 5 .... 10 .... 15 .... 20 .... 25 .... 30 .... 35 .... 40 .... 45 46 47 48 49 50
Next pageLast page

Previous (older) topic

Spon End
|

Next (newer) topic

New Cathedral of St Michael
View similar topics in the Non-Coventry category
 
Home | Forum index | Forum stats | Forum help | Log out | About me | My music
Top of the page
HTML5
1,590,466

Website & counter by Rob Orland © 2018

Load time: 142ms