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Dreamtime
Perth Western Australia
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691 of 711  Fri 22nd Dec 2017 2:05pm  
Member: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:3028

Very funny Thlim!! Big grin
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Slopeman44
Coventry, The Dovecotes
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692 of 711  Fri 22nd Dec 2017 7:08pm  
Member: Joined Dec 2017  Total posts:8

Can't think of a Santa joke but have got another groaner! A Zulu chief lived with his tribe in a massive kraal on a slope overlooking a beautiful valley. His nearest neighbour was the chief of another tribe, over 4 miles away on the other side of the valley, just out of sight. The chief had everything he needed, a massive thatched residence with an open plan frontage where he would sit surveying his land, many wives and many young sons, food and drink a-plenty but there was one thing he coveted. The chief across the valley mirrored his lifestyle but when HE sat surveying his land, it was on a custom made massive seat with ivory tusks for armrests and padded leopard skin pillows. The chief had a plan to steal this object of desire and on the day of the annual antelope hunt, when all the Zulu villages took to the plains, he kept a picked band of warriors behind and set off for the nearly deserted village of his rival where, avoiding the meagre guards, his band of warriors lifted the magnificent seat and carried it back to his house. Fearing that the other chief would immediately suspect him, he ordered his warriors to hide the throne in the loft space above where he sat daily, until the heat died down. Sure enough, the next day he spotted the other chief approaching across the valley, accompanied by about a thousand fully armed men. He summoned his own men, again about a thousand, and lined them up outside his house before settling down in his own chair to await the chief. As usual with Zulus, when the rival chief entered the kraal, he lined up his men and commanded them to chant out their challenge. A thousand voices rang out, the warriors rattled their shields with their spears and in unison stamped their feet, causing the very ground to shake. The thieving chief, not to be outdone, commanded his men to reply, but to shout louder and really stamp their feet, in fact to do it double time. The noise and vibration from this display was so bad that the ground trembled so much causing the stolen seat to fall from its hiding place, dropping on the chief and killing him stone dead. The moral - wait for it . . . people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!
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Earlsdon Kid
Argyll & Bute, Scotland
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693 of 711  Sat 23rd Dec 2017 12:49pm  
Member: Joined Apr 2017  Total posts:25

Spotted in the Argyll hills, one of Santa's helpers training Rudolph for the big night!
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Slopeman44
Coventry, The Dovecotes
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694 of 711  Sat 23rd Dec 2017 7:18pm  
Member: Joined Dec 2017  Total posts:8

Something about Father Christmas - as requested Dreamtime ... don't blame me! Who is Father Christmas's favourite singer? ....... Elves Presley What is his favourite pop group? ....... Slade Who is his favourite actor? ....... Yul Brynner His favourite holiday resort is the capital of Tenerife, how does he get there? ....... Santa Cruz How did he describe a date with Marilyn Monroe? ....... "I pulled a cracker!" When they want to show off their arsenal of weapons, what do the Russians use to pull a big ICBM rocket into Red Square? ....... Missile-tow! What did Prince Charles reply when Camilla asked him what he'd like to do for Christmas? ....... "Reign dear!" Finally, a modification to an old chestnut - what can go up a chimney down but not down a chimney up? ....... Santa's umbrella Merry Christmas!
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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695 of 711  Sat 23rd Dec 2017 8:52pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4895

Never Assume ..... His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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696 of 711  Sun 24th Dec 2017 9:34am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4895

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one engineer , "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her handbag, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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Thread starter
697 of 711  Thu 28th Dec 2017 10:00am  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4895

Have a laugh!
Dreamtime
Perth Western Australia
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698 of 711  Thu 28th Dec 2017 10:47am  
Member: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:3028

Have a laugh!
Roger Turner
Torksey
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699 of 711  Sat 30th Dec 2017 11:08am  
Member: Joined Aug 2014  Total posts:520

Just heard on the radio (Steam) "We always exchange presents at Christmas I exchange hers and she exchanges mine" Cheers
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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Thread starter
700 of 711  Sun 7th Jan 2018 10:30pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4895

Have a laugh!
Slopeman44
Coventry, The Dovecotes
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701 of 711  Mon 8th Jan 2018 12:35pm  
Member: Joined Dec 2017  Total posts:8

Brilliant! A guy was sitting in his local with a careworn expression on his face when his three mates walked in. "What's up Dave?" asked Pete. "Well lads, you know my wife went into hospital early to have our first baby, all went well but unfortunately the little lad has been born with tiny tiny ears and my wife is heartbroken that he'll be teased when he's growing up. Nothing I can say will cheer her up, I just don't know what to do" "Tell you what" said Joe "why don't the three of us pay a visit and have a go at making her feel better, could be easier coming from your mates" Dave thought about it and finally said "OK, but whatever you do don't mention his ears" Next day Joe called in and sat down on the bed where Dave's wife sat holding the baby. "Blimey" said Joe "look at the legs on him, if he doesn't turn out to be a champion runner I'll be amazed!" After a few more words Joe made his excuses and left, convinced he'd done a good job. An hour later Pete arrived and proceeded to praise the baby, finally saying that with such sturdy arms and legs, he wouldn't be surprised to see the lad turn out to be a champion swimmer. Full of confidence at a job well done, he went on his way. Larry arrived just before last visitors call and sat down, gazing in awe at the baby. "Look at his eyes" he said "crystal blue and so piercing. He's gonna have 20/20 vision, make no mistake, a champion rifle shot if ever there was one." Smugly he got up to leave and, as he reached the door he turned and said "Mind you, it's a good job 'cos he'll never be able to wear glasses!"
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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702 of 711  Tue 23rd Jan 2018 5:49pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4895

I saw my mate Dave this morning. He's only got one arm bless him. I shouted "Where you off to Dave?" He said "I'm going to change a light bulb." I laughed my head off and said "That's going to be a bit awkward, isn't it?" "Not really" he said. "I've still got the receipt."
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mattash
Rugby
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703 of 711  Wed 21st Feb 2018 10:27am  
Member: Joined Feb 2010  Total posts:617

Try this. After our first one was born there was no peace in the bedroom for the baby crying, the cot being next to the bed. After suffering hardly any sleep for a week one night I suddenly snapped. I leapt out of bed and on the way round to the cot I threw the bedroom window open, I grabbed it from the cot, went back and hurled it through the window saying "That is the end of that, we are not having any more". At which point the wife, screaming, suddenly realised that our baby was still crying in his cot. Poor soul thought I had thrown our little un out but it was only the dummy. It took a few nights but no more dummies came into our house (well, maybe one, ME) Big grin
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Midland Red
Cherwell
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704 of 711  Wed 7th Mar 2018 1:45pm  
Moderator: Joined Jan 2010  Total posts:4895

What? Big grin
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pixrobin
Canley
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705 of 711  Sat 10th Mar 2018 11:42am  
Member: Joined Mar 2014  Total posts:1025

It was so cold in London recently that politicians put their hands in their own pockets Thumbs up
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