Have a laugh!

That sucks.

A Vicar is very upset because he believes that one of his parishioners has stolen his bicycle. He goes to see the Bishop to seek some advice. After a while, the Bishop says, “I have a plan. At the church service on Sunday devote your sermon to the Ten Commandments. When you get to the one about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ – take your time and look carefully at each member of the congregation. Stare hard and look to see if anyone looks a bit sheepish. If so, I would suggest that that is the person who has stolen your bicycle” The Vicar thanked the Bishop for his advice and went off to prepare his sermon. The following week, the Bishop saw the Vicar on his bicycle. The Bishop says – “I see you have got your bicycle back. Did my plan work?” The Vicar replied – “Well sort of – I did what you advised and started my sermon on the Ten Commandments – but when I got to the one about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ – I suddenly remembered where I had left it!"

Brill!

A man on a parachute jump struggles to open his chute, passes a man going the other way and shouts, “Excuse me, do you know anything about parachutes?” “No, but what do you know about gas boilers?”

I went shopping yesterday but had no joy as three of the shops had problems. Monsoon was shut due to flooding, Jigsaw was also shut as there was a piece missing and finally, Trespass was shut as they had had a burglary.

So my dishwasher stopped working the other day. I had to Google how to wash dishes I was debating living on takeaway and ordering new cutlery. Don't laugh, it's been almost 30 years since I had to wash by hand. I pulled the beastie out (no small job) and noticed it is slightly damp underneath so it probably means a new one unless I can find a leak on the connections. Not the time of year to be hunting a new appliance. However in the interim I tried IT repair step number one. I turned it off and back on again at the wall. Yay, it works for now! You've never seen a dishwasher filled so fast.

How come Tarzan never had a beard or long hair?

Because he had so many close shaves with baddies?

He was in a jungle not New York!!

Because he kept his head above water. He was once robbed, then the robber broke in again and put it all back.

True story (current) A and B are mother and daughter. They decide to order plants by post for A’s sister, C, and C’s daughters, D and E, in the run up to Christmas. A goes online and orders plants for C and D. B goes online and orders a plant for E. A few days later, A receives a phone call from D, thanking her for the beautiful plant, and asking what should she do with the other two, as she has received three plants. C calls A to thank her for her plant, safely received. Nothing is heard from E, so B calls her - she hasn’t received anything. Then B receives a plant delivery, but there is no card inside to indicate who it is from - as she thinks A might have ordered one for her, she calls A, who says she hasn’t ordered it. Conclusion is that the plant for E, ordered correctly by B, was mislabelled and delivered to B. Meanwhile... B had also ordered one for A. A late evening knock at the door, there stood a delivery driver with a box containing said plant for A from B. Box was labelled with B’s name, A’s address, and B’s postcode. As the driver sought to deliver by postcode, he could not find the address, eventually unravelling the conundrum and driving, as he said, an extra 43 miles to find A. B checked her online order for A, which correct, as was the order for E, and A checked her online orders for C and D, both of which were correct. B has since been refunded for the order for E, and the supplier has arranged for a delivery to E before Christmas. Meanwhile, D has passed one plant on to a deserving friend, and is enjoying the other two. They’re not just any Christmas plants, they’re M&S Christmas plants!

Watched a great film last night. A really good thriller. It was about a man’s wife and kids that are brutally murdered by a serial killer, but the killer leaves one disabled child behind. In a twisted turn of events, his disabled son is kidnapped and the dad is left to track and chase the kidnapper for hundreds of miles. To help him, he enlists the help of a mentally disturbed woman. All ends happily when father and son are re-united. Title of the film.... Finding NEMO

A true story. Back in the 80s, my pal Greg (who I have mentioned before) was working for British Telecom, based at Whitacre Road Estate, Nuneaton. Those days their vans were bright yellow with a canary painted on the sides. Called BUSBY One morning, Greg picks up his day's job cards and wanting to get them over with because the rest of the day is his own, jumps in his bright yellow van with the ladders on the roof and goes flat out to the gate to the yard, goes down the estate road to the t junction and waits. Looking for the next gap in the traffic, he floors it and pulls out into the stream of traffic. Right behind the hearse on its way to the cemetery. Oops!! Edited by member, 18th Dec 2020 4:36 pm

Another true story. My mum was born in Stoke upon Trent, I used to get shipped off to my grandparents for school holidays. After my grandad passed away, it was decided that my grandma was unable to take care of herself properly, so we brought her to Coventry to live with my mum (my dad had already passed away) as she was on her own. Eventually gran died and her funeral was held at Canley Crem. We talked about what we should do and it was decided that we should take her ashes to be scattered with my grandad at Carmountside Cemetery in Stoke. Setting off one Friday with gran on the passenger seat, I got as far as Lichfield. Going around the big island a police Land Rover pulled out from the next junction behind me. Blues and 2's came on and he pulled me over. Asking me if I knew why he had stopped me, I replied, "Yes, for not wearing a seat belt", to which he replied, "Correct". Asking where I was going, I duly told him about my gran's ashes and that made him mellow a bit. He was really pleasant in explaining why I should have been wearing one. I then started to smile and he asked what I was smiling about. I said, "Come and look". Getting out of his car, we went to my passenger window and there was gran's ashes with the seat belt around her urn. It made him laugh, but he explained he had already started my ticket. Gran cost me £35 and 3 points that day (late 80's).

Mick Strong, I have posted this before, but worth it again. A young family decided to drive up to Scotland for their holidays, but their granny lived with them. She said, "You're not leaving me behind on my own". So they finally decided to take her. Well she died while there, so they asked the price to bring her back to Brighton - astronomical - so they decided to find a large cardboard box, put granny in it, tied it on the roof rack. Everything went OK, but they stopped for a meal on the way back, and when they came out the car had been stolen! Imagine the headache for the police and the insurance.